Toxic Guilt in the South Asian Community: A Therapist's View
- Prerna Menon, LCSW
- Apr 28
- 4 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
Toxic Guilt in the South Asian Community: A Therapist's View
Toxic guilt is a silent force that pervades many aspects of life for those raised in South Asian households. Unlike healthy guilt — which encourages ethical behavior and repair — toxic guilt is excessive, chronic, and deeply rooted in cultural expectations around duty, family loyalty, and sacrifice (Sabnani, Ponterotto, & Borodovsky, 1991). It can profoundly shape how South Asians approach their careers, friendships, relationships, and even personal freedom. Understanding this dynamic is the first step toward healing and reclaiming autonomy.
Professional Decisions: Career as a Measure of Filial Piety
In many South Asian families, career choices are not simply personal — they are reflections of family honor and social status. Toxic guilt often compels individuals to pursue "acceptable" professions like medicine, engineering, law, or finance, even if their true passions lie elsewhere (Gupta, Szymanski, & Leong, 2011). The fear of disappointing parents or appearing ungrateful for sacrifices made can override personal desires. As a result, many South Asians find themselves in careers that feel misaligned with their identities, leading to burnout, dissatisfaction, and a persistent feeling of living someone else’s life.
This pressure can stifle innovation and risk-taking — key ingredients for personal and professional fulfillment. Choosing a less conventional path may evoke internalized shame, as if seeking personal happiness is a betrayal of collective family sacrifice.
Friendships: Loyalty at the Expense of Self
Toxic guilt also shows up in how South Asians manage friendships. Many are taught to prioritize harmony, avoid confrontation, and maintain loyalty even when relationships become emotionally taxing (Inman, 2006). Saying no, setting boundaries, or distancing oneself from draining friendships can trigger intense guilt, rooted in the fear of being seen as selfish or disrespectful.
This pattern often leaves individuals enmeshed in unbalanced relationships where they overextend themselves, suppress their needs, and internalize resentment. Over time, this can erode authentic connections and contribute to emotional exhaustion.
Clothing, Dating, and Cultural Expectations
Even personal expressions like how one dresses or dates are often dictated by deeply internalized expectations. For South Asian women in particular, modesty, respectability, and "keeping the family's name intact" can become unconscious measuring sticks for every outfit or romantic relationship (Ahmad, 2001). Straying from traditional norms — whether by wearing certain styles of clothing, dating outside the community, or asserting sexual autonomy — can provoke not just familial disapproval but also intense personal guilt.
Many internalize the belief that personal choices are never truly "individual" but have far-reaching consequences for the family’s image. This stifles authentic self-expression and creates a dissonance between inner desires and external actions.
Freedom, Independence, and the Struggle for Liberation
Toxic guilt also affects how South Asians experience freedom and independence. Even after achieving adulthood milestones — moving out, becoming financially independent, starting a family — many still carry the emotional burden of needing to seek approval or permission for major life choices.
This constant mental negotiation ("Will this hurt my parents? Will this shame my family?") undermines true liberation. Independence can feel hollow if it is laced with lingering guilt and shame. Many South Asians describe an ongoing sense of "survivor’s guilt" when pursuing lives that their parents could not imagine for themselves — a painful byproduct of intergenerational migration and sacrifice (Mukkamala & Suyemoto, 2018).
Moving Toward Healing - A South Asian Therapist's Summation
Breaking the cycle of toxic guilt requires conscious, compassionate work. It means learning to differentiate between authentic values and inherited expectations. It involves practicing self-compassion, setting boundaries without shame, and honoring both one's heritage and individuality.
Therapy with someone who shares a similar identity to you - a South asian Therapist, community dialogue, and self-reflection can all be important tools in this journey. Liberation is not about abandoning one’s roots — it is about cultivating a relationship with culture that allows for both belonging and authenticity.
In reclaiming our agency, we do not dishonor our families — we honor their sacrifices by living lives that are not just "acceptable," but deeply meaningful.
References:
Ahmad, F. (2001). Modern traditions? British Muslim women and academic achievement. Gender and Education, 13(2), 137–152. https://doi.org/10.1080/09540250120051183
Gupta, A., Szymanski, D. M., & Leong, F. T. L. (2011). The “model minority myth”: Internalized racialism of positive stereotypes as correlates of psychological distress, and attitudes toward help-seeking. Asian American Journal of Psychology, 2(2), 101–114. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0024183
Inman, A. G. (2006). South Asian women: Identities and conflicts. Cultural Diversity and Ethnic Minority Psychology, 12(2), 306–319. https://doi.org/10.1037/1099-9809.12.2.306
Mukkamala, S., & Suyemoto, K. L. (2018). Racialized sexism/sexualized racism: A multimethod study of intersectional experiences of discrimination for Asian American women. Asian American Journal of Psychology, 9(1), 32–46. https://doi.org/10.1037/aap0000104
Sabnani, H. B., Ponterotto, J. G., & Borodovsky, L. G. (1991). White racial identity development and cross-cultural counselor training. The Counseling Psychologist, 19(1), 76–102. https://doi.org/10.1177/0011000091191007
Summarizing Toxic Guilt in the South Asian Community: A South Asian Therapists Perspective
Part 1
In the South Asian community, career choices are heavily influenced by familial expectations. Many pursue traditional fields like medicine or law out of guilt rather than passion, fearing they’ll dishonor their parents' sacrifices. This leads to burnout and a deep sense of living a life that isn't fully their own.
Part 2
Part 3
Authors
LCSW | CCTP Specialties: Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, Complex Trauma, Race, Gender &, Sexuality-related Conflicts, Anxiety, Depression & Lack of Fulfillment, Generational Trauma & Family Systems Issues and LGTBQIA+ Relationship Concerns
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