3 DBT Skills South Asian Families Can Use to Build Healthier Boundaries in NYC

In South Asian families throughout the globe, love is often shown in gestural and communal ways that honor collectivism, sacrifice, and devotion. It is these values that have aided generations of South Asian people across the Indian sub-continent to stay resilient and close-knit, even amidst periods of violent

colonization, devastating famine, war, and more. Still, as much as these values have strengthened our communities, unspoken social expectations have formed as an unintended consequence that sometimes create challenges within South Asian family dynamics.

An example of this within the South Asian family structure is the archetypal role of the “good child,” the one who always says yes, prioritizes family above all else, and sacrifices personal needs without question. Boundary setting, in this context, may thus feel unfamiliar to this family member, or at times even unsafe. Saying “no” may be instead seen as rogue selfishness or as rejecting one’s family entirely in the eyes of the rest of the family unit.

This tension between collectivist values and individual needs is one of the reasons South Asian counseling, particularly Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), can be such a powerful tool for South Asian families navigating life in New York City. DBT was originally developed by Marsha Linehan (1993) as a treatment for borderline personality disorder, but its skills-based framework has since been widely applied to a range of emotional, relational, and cultural challenges (Neacsiu et al., 2014). For clients utilizing South Asian counseling in NYC, DBT offers concrete, culturally adaptable strategies to communicate needs, reduce conflict, and build boundaries without abandoning family values.

Below are three DBT skills that can be especially helpful for South Asian families seeking to create healthier dynamics around boundaries.

1. DEAR MAN: Assertive Communication Without Disrespect

One of the most common struggles South Asian children and adults face is voicing their needs without feeling like they are betraying their family. The DBT skill DEAR MAN provides a structured way to communicate assertively while maintaining respect:

• Describe the situation clearly.

• Express how you feel.

• Assert your needs directly.

• Reinforce why meeting your need matters.

• Mindful: stay focused on your request.

• Appear confident.

• Negotiate when necessary.

For example, a South Asian young adult who feels pressured to attend every extended family event may use DEAR MAN to explain to parents:

“I value our family traditions (Describe), but I feel overwhelmed attending every gathering (Express). I’d like to skip this weekend’s event to rest (Assert). Taking care of my health means I’ll be more present when I do attend (Reinforce).”

This skill acknowledges family values while still allowing space for individuality, helping to reduce guilt and defensiveness.

Research Note: DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills have been shown to improve assertiveness and reduce relational distress across cultural contexts (Neacsiu et al., 2014).

2. GIVE: Maintaining Relationships While Setting Limits

South Asian families often emphasize harmony and preserving relationships above all else. The GIVE skill teaches how to maintain warmth and connection even when setting boundaries:

• Gentle: use a respectful tone and body language.

• Interested: listen actively, show curiosity.

• Validate: acknowledge the other person’s perspective.

• Easy manner: keep interactions light and kind.

Imagine a daughter telling her mother she cannot immediately answer multiple daily phone calls due to work. Instead of ignoring calls or responding with frustration, GIVE encourages her to respond with validation:

“I know you call often because you care about me (Validate), and I love our connection. I want to talk every evening instead of multiple times a day, so I can give you my full attention (Gentle, Interested).”

This way, the boundary is clear, but the bond remains strong.

Research Note: Validation and active listening are core DBT components that reduce emotional intensity in families, making conversations about boundaries more effective (Linehan, 2015).

3. FAST: Keeping Self-Respect in Family Roles

Many South Asians struggle with the feeling that setting boundaries makes them “bad sons/daughters/partners.” The FAST skill supports people in honoring themselves while still caring for family:

• Fair: balance fairness to yourself and others.

• Apologies only when appropriate (not for having needs).

• Stick to your values.

• Truthful, don’t exaggerate or minimize.

For instance, if pressured into a career path they don’t want, a South Asian professional might use FAST to stay grounded:

“I understand why you want stability for me (Fair), but I don’t need to apologize for wanting a different path (Apologies). Pursuing this career aligns with my values (Stick to values), and I want to be honest about that (Truthful).”

This allows individuals to set boundaries without internalizing guilt or shame, a common emotional pattern in collectivist cultures (Chentsova-Dutton & Ryder, 2020).

Why Boundaries Matter for South Asian Families in NYC

In New York City, South Asian families often face the dual challenge of maintaining cultural traditions while navigating Western norms of independence. DBT skills like DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST provide a structured bridge between these worlds. Rather than rejecting family values, they offer a way to honor collectivism while reducing enmeshment, allowing family members to feel both connected and autonomous.

At Boundless, we believe that building healthier boundaries does not mean abandoning love or family — it means creating a balance where everyone’s needs are respected. For South Asian families in NYC, learning DBT skills can be a pathway to stronger, more sustainable relationships that reflect both cultural heritage and personal well-being. Our team is here to help.

Begin Your Journey with South Asian Counseling in NYC

If family expectations, guilt, or blurred boundaries have made it hard to fully be yourself, you don’t have to carry that weight alone. At Boundless, South Asian counseling in NYC provides a supportive space to explore cultural dynamics while learning tools rooted in DBT skills to strengthen communication and build healthier relationships. Healing and growth are possible—with guidance that honors both your experiences and your heritage.

Here’s how to begin working with us:

1. Schedule a consultation to connect with a South Asian counselor in NYC and share the challenges you’re facing.

2. Book your first South Asian counseling session and begin practicing DBT-based strategies to navigate boundaries with greater clarity and confidence.

3. Start experiencing change as you learn to balance cultural values with your personal needs, creating space for healthier, more authentic connections.

Additional Therapy Services at Boundless Therapy

At Boundless, we offer a variety of therapeutic options tailored to support individuals, couples, and families in different stages of life. Our services include counseling for South Asian couples, members of the LGBTQ+ community, and anyone working through concerns such as depression, anxiety, or trauma.

We incorporate a range of evidence-based approaches, including EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with Exposure and Response Prevention (EXRP), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Somatic Experiencing combined with mindfulness practices. Clients can also access group therapy programs, clinical supervision and training for professionals, and flexible online therapy sessions—ensuring care is both comprehensive and accessible.

Meet the Author: Supportive South Asian Therapist in NYC

Prerna Menon, LCSW and Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, offers specialized care for survivors of childhood sexual abuse and incest, as well as those working through addiction, existential concerns, or complex family dynamics. She also supports clients navigating race-based stress, questions around gender and sexuality, and the challenges of cross-cultural identities. With particular insight into the experiences of international students and individuals balancing multiple cultural roles, Prerna delivers trauma-informed, empathetic therapy that validates and uplifts every client’s story.

References from a South Asian Therapist in NYC

• Chentsova-Dutton, Y. E., & Ryder, A. G. (2020). Cultural–clinical psychology: From cultural scripts to contextualized treatments. Handbook of Cultural Clinical Psychology, 3–19.

• Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.

• Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

• Neacsiu, A. D., Rizvi, S. L., & Linehan, M. M. (2014). Dialectical behavior therapy skills use as a mediator and outcome of treatment for borderline personality disorder. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 57, 30–37. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2014.03.013