Mother’s Day With Distance or Estrangement: South Asian Therapy for Emotionally Unavailable Parents in NYC

Mother’s Day can be sweet. It can also be brutal.

And for a lot of South Asian New Yorkers, it’s not simply “complicated.” It’s activating—because Mother’s Day isn’t just a holiday. It feels like a cultural script. It’s obligation dressed up as celebration. And it's the pressure to perform closeness, even when closeness has never felt safe.

If you’re reading this and you feel dread in your chest, you’re not broken. You’re responding normally to something that asks you to override your truth. At Boundless, working with a therapist who specializes in South Asian therapy for emotionally unavailable parents in NYC can help you navigate these feelings and honor your boundaries.

Is estrangement and distance common in families?

Family estrangement is often treated like a rare, taboo phenomenon. It’s not. Karl Pillemer’s work through Cornell describes estrangement as more prevalent than most people imagine: one Cornell Alumni Magazine piece quotes Pillemer describing a U.S. survey where 27% of respondents reported being estranged from a close relative “right now,” translating to tens of millions of people. (cornellalumnimagazine.com)

A related Cornell Chronicle summary of his work notes that in a survey of 1,300+ people, 10% reported being estranged from a parent or child (with other estrangement rates for siblings and extended relatives). (Cornell Chronicle)

Different studies use different definitions—so the exact number varies—but the point is steady: you are not the only one navigating this.

Why does Mother’s Day hit differently in South Asian families?

In many South Asian cultures, “mother” is not just a relationship. It’s a sacred role. Mothers are often positioned as beyond critique—especially if they sacrificed, immigrated, endured hardship, or carried the emotional labor of the household.

So when you feel hurt, angry, numb, or conflicted, you may also feel something else on top of it: guilt.

Not the healthy guilt that helps you repair when you’ve truly caused harm—but the toxic kind that says:

• “If I’m not close to my mother, I’m a bad child.”

• “No matter what happened, I owe her.”

• “Distance means I’m ungrateful.”

• “If I tell the truth, I’ll destroy the family.”

This pressure doesn’t come from nowhere. Research on South Asian communities in the U.S. shows that stressors like acculturative stress and everyday racism are linked with higher anxiety and depressive symptoms—meaning many South Asian families are navigating both internal family dynamics and external social threat at the same time. (Frontiers) That kind of chronic stress often tightens family systems: more control, more fear, more “stay close at all costs.”

And when mental health support is stigmatized or hard to access, it gets even harder. A 2025 scoping review on South Asian communities’ access to mental health care in high-income countries identified barriers including stigma, acculturative issues, difficult family dynamics, and challenges finding culturally safe care. (PMC)

If there’s estrangement, what you might be grieving is “ambiguous loss”

A lot of people assume grief only belongs to death. That’s not true.

Estrangement is often a form of ambiguous loss—a loss without clean closure. Mayo Clinic Health System describes ambiguous loss as profound sadness without death, including loss of emotional connection when someone is physically present, or loss of physical connection when emotional connection remains; often, “there isn’t a sense of closure.” (Mayo Clinic Health System)

Pauline Boss (who coined the term) has argued that chasing “closure” in ambiguous loss can be unrealistic and even harmful—because the loss is inherently unresolved. In The Myth of Closure, Boss and Carnes describe ambiguous loss as the kind of loss where the goal is not closure, but meaning-making and learning to live with incompleteness. (CEHD News)

If Mother’s Day makes you spiral, it may not be because you’re dramatic. It may be because the day forces you to face an unresolved grief: the mother you have vs. the mother you needed.

Reasons people choose distance are usually serious

I’m not here to tell anyone to cut contact. I’m also not here to shame anyone who has.

Qualitative research on estrangement has found that adult children often describe patterns like abuse, poor parenting, betrayal, or chronic disconnection as key reasons for estrangement. (ResearchGate) And research looking at parents’ experiences of estrangement describes it as an ambiguous, chronic loss with social stigma—especially tied to motherhood expectations. (Sage Journals)

This matters because it pushes back on a common cultural narrative: that distance happens because adult children are selfish or “Westernized.” That narrative is often a defense against acknowledging harm.

Three honest options for Mother’s Day

There are usually three realistic paths. None of them makes you a bad person.

1) You reach out

Maybe you want contact—just with boundaries.

A “bounded reach-out” can look like:

• a short text

• a card without emotional labor

• a brief call with a planned end-time

Script examples (simple, not performative):

• “Happy Mother’s Day. Wishing you peace today.”

• “Thinking of you today. I hope you’re well.”

• “Happy Mother’s Day. I’m keeping things low-key this weekend, but I wanted to acknowledge you.”

2) You keep distance

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do—for yourself and the relationship—is not to force closeness.

Distance can look like:

• no contact on the day, but contact another time

• minimal contact (a message only)

• contact through a sibling/relative if direct contact is destabilizing

Distance is not cruelty. Sometimes it’s nervous system protection.

3) You do not engage

If contact is unsafe—emotionally or otherwise—no engagement is a valid choice.

And yes, that can still be painful. You can grieve and protect yourself at the same time. (That’s the dialectic South Asian families rarely let people hold.)

If guilt is the loudest feeling, get curious about what kind it is

There’s guilt that signals values. And there’s guilt that signals conditioning.

Here’s one way to tell:

Healthy guilt says: “I did something misaligned with my values; I want to repair.”

Toxic guilt says: “My needs are immoral; I must perform closeness to be good.”

If your guilt is tied to filial responsibility, you’re not imagining the weight. A systematic review/meta-analysis on filial obligation and caregiver depression found that stronger perceived filial obligation was associated with increased depressive symptoms among adult child caregivers (effect reported as β = 0.14 in a fixed-effects model across included studies). (PMC)

That doesn’t mean caring for parents is harmful. It means perceived obligation—especially when it’s rigid, shame-based, or unsupported—can be psychologically costly.

A nervous-system-friendly plan for Mother’s Day (especially in NYC)

If you’re in NYC, you can’t avoid the holiday. It’s everywhere: subway ads, brunch lines, florists, social media, coworkers asking, “What are you doing for your mom?”

So the goal isn’t avoidance. The goal is containment.

Step 1: Decide what you’re doing (before the day)

Ambiguity fuels anxiety. Pick a plan:

• “I’m sending a text only.”

• “I’m calling for 10 minutes.”

• “I’m not engaging.”

Then commit to it like a boundary—not a debate.

Step 2: Reduce exposure to triggers

This isn’t fragile. It’s smart.

• limit social media scroll (upward comparison + family idealization is a real spiral for many people) (Marie Claire)

• avoid high-trigger environments if possible (greeting card aisle, family-heavy restaurants)

Step 3: Build a replacement ritual (especially if you’re grieving)

Mayo Clinic notes that while “closure” may not be possible with ambiguous loss, ceremonial activities can provide therapeutic benefit (letters, memorials, planting something meaningful). (Mayo Clinic Health System)

Examples:

• write a letter you don’t send (truth without consequences)

• take yourself somewhere grounding (museum, long walk, the water)

• donate to something that reflects your values

• cook a meal that feels like home without forcing contact

Step 4: Have a repair plan for after

If you do reach out, you may feel “emotionally hungover.” If you don’t, you may feel grief or panic.

Either way, plan one stabilizer:

• movement

• time with a safe person

• therapy session

• journaling with a clear prompt: “What did I protect today?”

What can South Asian therapy in NYC offer?

In South Asian therapy, a culturally attuned therapist shouldn’t push you toward reconciliation or estrangement as a moral stance. They should help you:

• name what happened without minimizing

• work with guilt and fear without letting them run your life

• build boundaries that match your reality (not an Instagram quote)

• process grief that doesn’t get “closure”

• hold cultural complexity without using culture to excuse harm

You’re allowed to honor your mother’s humanity and honor your own truth. Mother’s Day doesn’t get to decide who you are.

Healing with South Asian therapy for emotionally unavailable parents in NYC

Mother’s Day can be especially painful when your parent has been emotionally distant. For many South Asian adults in NYC, this day can stir up feelings of disappointment, guilt, or grief, particularly when cultural expectations pressure you to feel or act “close” despite a history of emotional unavailability. At Boundless, we provide therapy for adults navigating emotionally unavailable parents in NYC, offering culturally sensitive guidance and practical tools to help you respond to triggers, set compassionate boundaries, and cultivate emotional resilience.

Here's how to get started:

1. Schedule a complimentary 25-minute consultation to explore your Mother’s Day stress, family estrangement, or lingering emotional wounds.

2. Start South Asian therapy in NYC that guides you in responding intentionally to emotional triggers instead of reacting automatically.

3. Build long-term emotional balance and self-trust with therapy that honors both your South Asian cultural background and your individual needs.

You deserve support that acknowledges your unique experiences and helps you find peace. Our South Asian therapists are here to help.

Personalized mental health support across New York & New Jersey

At Boundless, we view therapy as a collaborative process that honors the unique story of each individual. We offer support for individuals, couples, and families through approaches that are culturally aware, affirming, and tailored to your needs. Our clinicians have expertise in supporting South Asian couples, LGBTQ+ clients, and anyone navigating challenges like trauma, anxiety, depression, or relational difficulties, creating a space that feels safe, personalized, and validating.

We integrate a range of evidence-based techniques, including EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with Exposure and Response Prevention (EXRP), and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), along with somatic practices and mindfulness strategies. In addition to individual therapy, Boundless provides group sessions, clinical supervision, and secure online therapy options, ensuring mental health care is flexible, accessible, and aligned with your evolving journey.

Meet our South Asian therapists supporting NYC

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Kiara Vaz

LMSW | C-DBT

Kiara collaborates with adults and couples to work through perfectionism, attachment challenges, and emotional cycles. She incorporates DBT strategies and focuses on supporting immigrants and people of color in cultivating resilience and more fulfilling relationships.

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Monesha Chari

LMSW | C-EMDR

Monesha partners with adults navigating anxiety, perfectionist tendencies, and relationship dynamics influenced by family or cultural background. She has expertise in supporting people of color, students, creatives, and high achievers striving for personal development.

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Dipti Balwani

MHC-LP | RYT-200

Dipti helps adults process relational and complex trauma, especially within narcissistic or abusive family contexts. She centers on men’s mental health, South Asian cultural experiences, and guidance for clients managing anxiety or PTSD.

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Prerna Menon

LCSW | CCTP

Prerna provides support for adults healing from childhood sexual abuse while also addressing identity exploration, racial stress, and existential concerns. She works compassionately with international students and individuals navigating family expectations, cultural pressures, and cross-cultural transitions.

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References (APA)

• Agllias, K. (2013). The gendered experience of family estrangement in later life. Affilia. doi:10.1177/0886109913495727 (Sage Journals)

• Boss, P., & Carnes, D. (2012). The myth of closure. Family Process, 51(4), 456–469. doi:10.1111/famp.12005 (CEHD News)

• Pillemer, K. (2020). Family estrangement a problem “hiding in plain sight.” Cornell Chronicle. (Cornell Chronicle)

• Saulnier, B. (2020). Broken Branches. Cornell Alumni Magazine. (cornellalumnimagazine.com)

• Pan, Y., et al. (2023). Relationship between filial obligation and caregiver depression among adult children: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Nursing Open. (PMC)

• Siddiqui, S. M. (2022). Acculturative stress, everyday racism, and mental health among a community sample of South Asians in Texas. Frontiers in Public Health, 10, 954105. doi:10.3389/fpubh.2022.954105 (Frontiers)

• Mayo Clinic Health System. (2023). Unnamed pain: Coping with ambiguous loss. (Mayo Clinic Health System)

• Menon, G., et al. (2025). A scoping review to identify opportunities and challenges for communities of South Asian origin in accessing mental health services and support in high-income countries. BMC Public Health. doi:10.1186/s12889-025-24619-7 (PMC)